Liam T. Dredd and Diaphanous Haze
Were married in not unusual ways.
They booked a cathedral, they made their vows,
Bought as much insurance as the state allows.
He called her Daffi, She called him Lee,
He wrote out their wills, she made them some tea.
"I'll sign the papers if you will," she said.
"A million if either of us drops dead."
"I have a confession, my dear," said he.
"Counting the others, you're Wife Number Three.
"My dear exes were strangled, drowned and shot,
They left me quite lonely, but left me a lot."
"How sad!" said Daffi with a secret smile,
"But at least your marriages were worthwhile.
"Now, my late husbands, of which there were four,
Never gave me a penny. That's why they're no more."
"It seems I'll be careful from now on," Lee sighed,
"For I've finally found my match in a bride.
"And speaking of matches, look under your chair,
I've hidden a clever bomb under there."
"Oh, I found it," said Daffi, "I'm afraid it's destroyed
"That charming young housemaid we've just employed.
"By the way my darling, how is your tea?
"I'm told arsenic and sugar don't always agree."
"Most excellent, Daffi," Lee said with good cheer.
"I've been immune to the stuff for over a year.
"Can I offer you something...more cake, more dessert?
"Has that poison-tipped pin on your chair start to hurt?"
"Not at all," Daffi smiled. "I threw it away.
I saw it before and could not let it stay.
"Pointy things hurt my hands, which are quite soft.
"Or they were, 'til I set up that trap in the loft."
"What a shame your poor hands should be hurt!" Lee cried.
"And what a pity I sent the butler inside.
"He went up to the loft for a lamp it contained,
"From the blood on the ceiling, he must be quite drained."
Daffi laughed softly. "We'll hire another,
"With all the money we took out on each other.
"I propose a drink, my handsome groom,
"Stand and deliver a toast to the room."
"Yes indeed," said Lee, "Here's to us, to our heirs,
"Here's to that time you nearly fell down the stairs.
"And here's to our love, unyielding and true,
"And here's to the man sneaking up on you."
"For just the right hitman I searched far and wide.
He's ruthless enough to bludgeon a bride."
"That he is," said Daffi, "but his pay's overdue.
"So I bought out his contract. He's here for you."
How to cash in her chips on the rich men she wed,
Was always a task for Diaphanous Dredd.
With one final whack the problem was solved,
Love is more fun when there's murder involved.